Hiccups
by PhantomAlchemist
Summary: Ed's got the hiccups, and it's driving everyone insane. Just how will they stop them? Can be seen as RoyxEd but isn't really meant to be. Rated for language.


Just a little idea that popped into my head strangely enough when I was reading a fanfic where Ed was crying, and he got the hiccups. I don't remember the name of the story, but I thank whoever wrote it for this little idea. My first attempt at humor. I usually write angsty stuff.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

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_Hiccup._

A few papers shuffled.

_Hiccup._

More shuffling accompanied by a soft groan.

_Hiccup._

People shuffled now along with another groan, louder this time.

_Hiccup._

Roy continued trying to read through Ed's horrible handwriting on the report he'd just been handed. The lieutenants were focused on their own paperwork.

_Hiccup._

"Dammit, Ed!" Roy shouted finally losing his temper. He threw the report down on his cluttered desk and glared at Ed who was looking extremely annoyed. "How do you expect me to read this with you making that awful noise?"

"You think I'm enjoying it?" Ed asked angrily.

_Hiccup._

"Sorry, sir," Al said politely. "He's had them all morning."

_Hiccup._

"All morning, huh?" Havoc asked setting down his paperwork.

_Hiccup._

"Have you tried drinking water?" Fuery asked.

"Didn't work," Ed responded.

_Hiccup._

"What about holding your breath?" Breda asked.

"Didn't work either."

_Hiccup._

"Here, try this," Hawkeye said walking over to the table where they kept their coffee. She grabbed a spoon and dipped it into the bowl of sugar. "A spoonful of sugar always works for me."

Edward took the spoon and put it in his mouth. He winced a bit at the strong taste before swallowing. Everyone looked at him hopefully. One moment passed, then another, but there were no more hiccups.

"Glad that's over," Havoc sighed.

_Hiccup._

Everyone groaned.

"I've heard that sticking your fingers in your ears works," Breda offered.

"How would that work?" Al asked.

"Hiccups happen when the vagus nerve or one of its branches are irritated. The branches of the vagus nerve also reach into the auditory system so by stimulating the nerves there, it acts as a kind of distraction from the original irritation (1)," Falman piped in. The others merely stared. Seems he was more than just a dictionary.

"Ok," Ed said slowly. "I guess it's worth a shot."

_Hiccup._

He stuck an index finger into either ear and waited.

_Hiccup._

And waited.

_Hiccup._

And waited.

_Hiccup._

"It's not working…" Al said.

_Hiccup._

"Pulling on your tongue is supposed to work," Roy said.

"I doubt that," Ed said.

_Hiccup._

"What about tickling?" Fuery asked. "That always worked for me when I was younger."

"Don't even think about it," Ed said taking a step back from anyone who looked ready to tickle.

_Hiccup._

"If we could scare you," Hawkeye muttered.

"Not likely," Havoc said.

_Hiccup._

Silence.

_Hiccup._

"Well, then," Roy said breaking the silence and taking a step toward Ed, "I guess today's not a good day then."

"Not a good day for what?" Ed asked. A small smirk came across Roy's face.

_Hiccup._

"Well, I had decided today would be the day that I confessed my undying love for you and ask you out on a date like I've been wanting to do all these years, but I couldn't possibly do it today. I don't think I could stand those hiccups for more than five minutes," Roy stated simply like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Edward took a step back in horror. "W-what? What the fuck are you talking about?"

Everyone stared at the colonel, not one mouth closed (save for Al who couldn't physically open his mouth). Not a word was spoken for several minutes.

…

…

…

"Well," Roy said ignoring the shock, "would you look at that. Looks like the hiccups are gone. Guess I can get back to that report now."

"W-what…" Ed said still in shock.

"Guess that's one way to scare someone," Havoc said chewing on his cigarette.

"He didn't have to scare all of us!" Breda said propping himself against the wall.

Everyone remained in their state of shock while Roy calming continued on with Ed's report.

"W-well," Al said, "at least Brother's hiccups are gone."

"Yeah," everyone said brightly.

…

_Hiccup._

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(1) I found this information plus all of the cures suggested on a website called howstuffworks or something like that.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my pathetic first attempt at humor. I'm just glad the muses have stopped hitting me on the head with this idea. Maybe now I can get back to Breaking Point. Ah, angst.

Equivalent Exchange: I write, you review.


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